


and it seems like the end of the world, when you smile

by amaronith



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asexual Caduceus Clay, But he learns, Caleb Doesn't Know How To Friend, Caleb Loves His Friends You Fucks, F/M, M/M, Multi, Other, Weird Drunken Conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-15 20:32:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18506557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amaronith/pseuds/amaronith
Summary: He might’ve had a little too much to drink - rather, he haddefinitelyhad too much to drink - which was the only reason he went along with Beau's silly question, anyway.“Hey, Caleb, which one of the Nein would you fuck?”





	and it seems like the end of the world, when you smile

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Widofjord Discord.

He might’ve had a little too much to drink - rather, he had _definitely_ had too much to drink - which was the only reason he went along with Beau's silly question, anyway.

“Hey, Caleb, which one of the Nein would you fuck?”

And rather dismissing it out of hand, like he should've, like was _smart_ , he had given it thought. Foggy, alcohol-hazy thought, but thought all the same.

“Are we assuming that for some reason whomever I pick likes cock?”

Beau nodded. “Sure. Assume if they haven't outright said they don't like dick, they like dick.”

“That rules out you and Yasha. And I am not including Nott-”

“Why not Nott?” Beau demanded, seemingly offended on Nott's behalf, which gave Caleb warm and fuzzy feelings all over as Nott looked up from where she was talking to the barkeep across the room, seemingly having heard her name. “Nott's fucking great!”

Caleb gave Nott a thumbs up, and she went back to her conversation. “She is, but she sees me as her child, and it would make it weird. Not a kink I have.”

Beau settled back from her upset and nodded. “...fair. TMI, but fair.”

“Never mind that she is married, and I could not ask her to be unfaithful.”

“You're so boring, dude,” Beau muttered into her tankard.

“You are the one who asked this question, Beau, do you want my answer or not?”

Beau held up her hands as she leaned back in her chair. “No, no, I wanna know.”

“This leaves remaining Jester, Fjord, and Caduceus. And the truth is I would happily sleep with any one of them, assuming it was for a bit of fun and it would change nothing between us.”

Caduceus smiled at him from above the rim of his teacup. “Well that's just sweet, Mister Caleb, thanks. I think you're real swell, too. I mean, I've got no real interest in sex, but I'm mighty flattered you'd think of me.”

Jester, of course, waggled her eyebrows at him over her glass of milk, and Fjord chuckled into his tankard. “But you have to pick only one of us, Cay-leb. An eeeeeevil wizard has put a curse on you, and you can only pick Fjord or me, since Caduceus just disqualified himself.”

“Fjord,” Caleb said without really thinking about it.

The half-orc’s face flushed as Beau and Jester ' _oooooooh_ 'd’. “You certainly answered that one fast!” Beau teased.

“Of course. I realize that you have no appreciation for the male form, Beauregard, but allow me to inform you that not only is our friend here of the highest quality, aesthetically speaking, he is a good, kind man whom I would be happy to have as my partner in carnal matters.”

“I, ah, well thank you kindly, Caleb,” Fjord stammered out.

“Do you want Fjord to wrap you in his big strong manly arms?” Beau cooed, teasing but not unkind.

Caleb sniffed. “Please, Beauregard, you are being juvenile. Besides, if not for the quality of the wood, I would bend him over one of these tables and have him for all the bar to see.” Caleb plucked a sharp looking splinter nearly as long as his pinky out from the table top.

“Aaaaand that is how we know he's _very_ drunk, everyone, so I think it's time we all went to bed, and not tease him about it when we're sober,” Fjord said, draining his mug as Beau reached for it, ignoring her noise of affronted protest. “C'mon, Caleb. Need help with the stairs?”

Caleb looked at him, readying himself to turn down Fjord's help and stand up when the entire room tilted to the side. “Ah… it might be prudent. Thank you, Fjord.”

“Yeah, yeah, come on, you.” Fjord tugged Caleb to his feet and helped him over to the stairs with an arm around his waist. “You didn't have to say all that, you know,” Fjord murmured as they walked upstairs.

“Beau asked a question and I answered her honestly, Fjord, that's all.” Caleb peered blearily up at the half-orc. “Unless I made you uncomfortable?”

Fjord shook his head. “We can talk about it when you're sober, if you don't just wanna forget the whole conversation ever happened. Key.”

Caleb dug around in his coat pockets for the key to the room he and Nott were sharing, the knuckles of his hand brushing against Fjord's stomach through the fabric of his pocket, and he heard Fjord suck in a sharp gasp through his nose. He handed the key to Fjord, but didn't let go of it. “I don't forget anything, Fjord, remember?”

“Then it's on you if you wanna talk about this, isn't it? When you're sober.” Caleb let go of the key and Fjord unlocked the door for him before helping Caleb into the bed, even going so far as to help Caleb out of his boots and tuck the covers up around him. “Goodnight, Caleb.”

“G'night, Fjord.”

Fjord might've stayed after that, running a tender hand over Caleb's hair, but Caleb had already fallen asleep.

\--

When he woke up to sunshine stabbing in his eyes, Caleb swore he was never drinking ever again. He swore it again as his head throbbed sharp enough to send his stomach roiling, and he took several moments to steady himself so he didn't lose last night's supper all over himself and Nott. 

Or just himself, as Nott was not in bed with him. Hopefully she roomed with Jester and Beau and Yasha, and he hadn't accidentally locked her out in the hall.

He slowly made his way out of bed and down into the taproom proper, easing into a chair at the table where he could see the others of his party with his back to the windows.

“Morning, Caleb,” Nott said, voice soft. Caleb must look truly awful if she was taking such considerations.

“I am never drinking again. Never. I did not even feel so poorly after the hour of honor…”

Fjord worried at his bottom lip. “Oh, Cay… here, lemme try something.”

A chill darkness settled over Caleb's eyes and he groaned softly, smelling the tell-tale scent of saltwater that told him the blissful touch was Fjord's hand.

“I feel poorly enough that I am considering offering you many illicit favors to keep your hand there, Fjord,” Caleb murmured, leaning back in his chair and tipping his head back to rest against Fjord's belly.

“Ah…” Caleb could only imagine the pretty dark green that would be staining Fjord’s cheeks - or Fjord could just be feeling awkward at Caleb’s weirdness. He wouldn’t be the first.

“Cayleb, are promising to bend Fjord over the tables again?” Jester teased.

“C'mon, dude, not before I've eaten,” Beau muttered darkly.

“He said _what?!_ ” Nott demanded, and Beau hissed at her to lower her voice.

Oh gods he really had said that last night, hadn't he?

“Only if that will keep his hands where they are and will make the room quiet,” Caleb said instead, sighing as he felt Fjord's other hand press against the side of his neck.

“My hands are cold, too, Caleb, do you want me touching you, too?”

“You can trade off with me, Jessie - I'm gonna go see if Deucey's got some tea or something that's good for a hangover.”

Jester's hands were colder than Fjord's as she settled her hand over Caleb's eyes, and the scent of saltwater was replaced with the scent of butter and sugar. “How is this, Cayleb?”

“Your hands are like ice blocks. Did you stick them in the snow?”

“No, I just have cold hands,” Jester said, chipper and bright. “Hey Cayleb, can I ask you a question?”

“You just did, but I'll allow another,” he teased, gentle and quiet.

“Do you have, like, a _thing_ for Fjord?”

“Define 'thing’, please. I cannot answer without specifics.”

“Like… romantic feelings? It's just last night you were weird about him when you were drunk.”

“Or I am merely an exhibitionist, Jester. You'd recall I was asked who among us I would sleep with.”

“And the answer was basically anyone who liked dick. Are you just a slut, Cayleb?” Jester teased.

He was never more grateful that he wasn’t actually looking at her while she asked him about it. “I’m possessive about what’s mine. That means all of you.”

“Awww, that is so weird and sweet, Cayleb! Just like you.” Jester leaned down to press her cheek to his as she hugged him. “You are totally incapable of telling us you love us like a functioning person and it’s _adorable_.”

“I take it back, I hate all of you.”

“Nope, you love us, we heard it - right, Beau, Nott, you heard him.”

“I did hear him say he loves us in the weirdest way possible,” Beau agreed and Nott nodded with a proud grin.

His friends were the _worst_.

\-- 

Fjord came back with a cup of tea that smelled of ginger and honey, and it settled Caleb's poor stomach enough to allow him to eat some toast, though Caleb did retreat back upstairs to lie down rather than go out into the still-too-bright day for shopping, and Fjord promised to look for materials for him as he gently squeezed Caleb's shoulder. Caleb gave him what he hoped was a thankful smile and not a grimace of suffering before Fjord turned to go, and Beau muttered to him and Nott that she'd stay with Caleb and make sure he didn't 'drown in his own vomit or something’.

Which is what lead to Caleb laying down on the bed with Beau sitting up next to him as she read Jester's copy of _Tusk Love_.

“Beauregard, why did you really stay behind?” Caleb asked, half into his pillow and unsure if Beau had even heard him.

Beau closed the book, marking her place with her finger. “You've been… weird, lately. Flirtier than normal. And, like, yeah, I know how we all joke around and stuff, but you never seemed to be comfortable with that until now. Which, don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're opening up and relaxing with us or whatever, but I wanna make sure it's actually a good thing.”

Caleb opened one eye to look at her, frowning a little. “...I don't know how to be friends with you.”

Beau blinked at him in confusion. “We've been doing good so far, I thought.”

“But - how will you know how much I care about you unless we can sleep together?”

Beau's hand curled into a fist in her lap, her whole body tensing. “You have three seconds to explain the fuck that's supposed to mean.”

Caleb flinched. “I don't… I don't know how to be friends with people if I am not sleeping with them. I'm not good with words and I'm not the richest man around, but orgasms? I can give orgasms.”

“Caleb. You can't possibly have slept with everyone you have been friends with.”

“Before the Nein, I had two friends.”

Beau was quiet for a long time - putting the pieces together, Caleb assumed - before she put her fist on Caleb's head and gently twisted her knuckle against it. “You dingus. We've been friends this whole time. What changed in your head that is setting all this in motion?”

“I forced myself to admit that I care for you all. Especially after everything in Felderwin…” And he had a long time to think about it, on the way to Xhorhas and rescuing Nott's husband - and then more on the way back, turning it over in his head that these people - these strange, beautiful, _wonderful_ assholes - really were his friends.

_It's not using us if you care about us._

“And once you admitted that we were friends and not just tools for you or whatever, you figured you have to sleep with us to make sure we know you like us? You realize how fucked that is, right? Like, if you _want_ to sleep with Jester and Fjord, that's one thing, but you're not _obligated_ to sleep with anyone. You can literally just say to any one of us 'hey, I'm really glad we're friends and I love you.’ Like. That's it.”

“....orgasms are easier.” Caleb sighed, but he shifted and tucked his face into the side of Beau's thigh. “I am really glad we are friends, Beauregard. I love you.”

“Love you too, dingus. Get some rest.”

**Author's Note:**

> As things stand, this is a completed work.


End file.
